How to Wage All-Natual Biological Warfare

Hello everyone! How would you like to learn how to drive away friends and foes alike by using an edible smoke bomb to fumagate your entire house? Good, then you're probably ready for my all new creation, dubbed;

The M.O.T.H.E.R.
which stands for Mary had One litTle lamb HER fleece was white as snow

You will need:

A whole vegatable (I prefer onion, but you can use pretty much anything)
Three teeth of garlic
Lots of cayenne pepper
Oil
A ski helmet and mask
Ski goggles (optional)

Directions:

1. Put pan on stove and pour in oil. Turn on fire and heat till very very hot.
2. Slice your onion in large slivers.
3. When pan is smoking, dump in onion. Be sure there's plenty of oil, otherwise they won't smoke to their full capacity.
4. Heap in a genourous amount of cayenne pepper--the more the merrier!
5. Don your ski gear.
6. Dice garlic in very small pieces.
7. Dump garlic in pan.
8. More cayenne.
9. Another interesting twist to this recipe is to pour random spices into the pan. I reccomend lemon pepper and nutmeg.

By now there will likely be a large cloud of toxic smoke in your kitchen. All you have to do is open the door to the rest of your house and fan away! The result will be a posionous mist brewing through the house, causing all human life forms to suffocate in its ghastly mass. Symptoms include;
Watery eyes
Coughing
Dry, itchy throat
Short, labored breathing
Critical comments on your cooking (these usually will be accompanied with admonitions not to set the house on fire)

With your ski gear securely fixed on your head, walk through your house unaffected and watch in glee as all your family, friends and roomates seek shelter and oxygen. Interestingly enough, this recipe is completely edible and can act as a repellent for the in-laws and/or your boss. Simply chew small amount twice a day, after waking up and before going to bed. DO NOT BRUSH TEETH to ensure its success. An added bonus to this recipe is that it rids your home of most pests, including cockroaches and rats.
Happy Fumagating!

ONE DAY

Dear diary,

I hope no one ever reads this. I'm sworn to secrecy. I like you diary, your my only friend. Even though your not a girl or guy I can still convert you to my religion -- M.H. ahhahaha don't you live the way I make things sound so inteligent but if I translated you would laugh in discust at my stupidity and imaturity.

I'M A FAKE CANADIAN...SO BLAME CANADA!!!

Ok you D.R.S.E's! Listen up, I have somthing to tell your hairy ears.
Today was great. First of all, I don't know how to cook. Second of all I can't cook. And Third...ok nvm I have nothing to say good bye. I think that I write so vary good that's why this blog is named after my grandparents who came from S.P. You wonder why I'm so anti you?!? Ya I do happen to be talking to you and I don't want to hear that Mother Plucker writes better than me cause she can't babble off about nothing whitch btw is my talent. So please repect the poor--considering I am and will be poor for the rest of my life. look ok. I think your great and all, but your pretty boring and I don't like writing love letters to you cause it makes me think of you and when that happens I feel like Cinderella falling in love with Chad which is. Me. Ok. Hi. Go. Away!!! Thanks for making me feel loved and like I'm important but we just can't be together. This is for Arizona Ice tea. GET OFF MY BLOG PLEASE THIS IS JUST FOR MY FRIENDS AND YOU DEFINATELY ARNT ONE OF THEM. TOMORROW IS NEW YEARS EVE AND I'M FINALLY GONNA SEE A BROWN PEICE OF GRUMP AND PLUP. A REALLY FAT MAN NAMED SMEAGOL. OK PLEASE I REALLY LIKE THE BIBLE AND I KNOW JESUS LOVES YOU EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT SUCHA SAMPLE AND BIBLE QUOTER BUT IF I CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS WITH FAITH THE SIZE OF A MUSTARD SEED I CAN DEFIN. EAT FOOD WITH MY HANDS. ANYHTING IS POSIBLE GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU SWEET ICE TEA. "TOM I'M GONNA NEED A RIDE HOME TONIGHT."

How to make Alcoholic Eggs

Wellcome, one of wiles to the Wickedly Wolfish Wallow of Wizardly Wisdom! I've decided to write a cookbook called The G-raffes Guide to Gallant, Gigantic Gulps of Gracious and Gawdy Griffins. These recipes have been tried and proven, so get cooking! I want to hear feedback on how it worked for you on the comment feed for the posts. My recipies will be compiled here, starting with my newest experiment;

How to Make Alcoholic Eggs

This delicious concoction was formed this very morning from some leftover goodies from Christmas. Fluffy, creamy spiked eggs is a perfect add-on for any morning meal, and what better way than this to decieve your mother into thinking you're making the healthy choice?

You will need:

one cup of eggnog (extra rum is advised)
one pan
oil


Directions:
1. Take pan and heat till very hot. You can tell if it burns you when you put your finger on it.
2.Take oil and pour in a genourous fashion.
3. Pour eggnog into pan and stir as if making scrambled eggs.

When ready, the eggs will be runnier than usual due to the large amount of milk in them. Don't cook them longer than about 2 minutes, as they burn very easily.
Take out of pan and enjoy! The eggs have a sweet, creamy taste to them without losing their alcoholic flavoring. Makes one serving.

Stay tuned, we're going to try this with French Toast!

The rear end of CHRISTmas eve

WELL, today is the day I was nationalized into the Canadian district. I'm now officially purely perverted and an expert on maple syrup and moose diarrhea. Tomorrow is a very occasionally occasion. Sad and solemn, we agreed to invite our Aunt Lindsay and Fiona Suicide. And her spawn. I got a tamborine! And........SOCKS! Big grey socks, long and wooly. Which makes the hair on my right leg stand as if they hadn't been shaved in a month!--Which is precisely the case.